We've all heard the heroic stories of people getting their body parts stuck somewhere and exhibiting superhuman strength to get themselves out. Hiker, Aron Ralston cut off his own arm with a pocketknife after it was pinned by a boulder - A move that saved his life. The stories below are not of this caliber. They're not heroic in the slightest and most instances involve drunk people with poor depth perception. Examined as well are the species who stick objects inside their orifices which subsequently get stuck. The below stories are funny for us, not so much for the person stuck. But who cares about them, they can't hear us laughing.

1. New York Woman Loses Mind, Gold Tooth

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A woman was enjoying a stadium baseball game and got up to use the facilities. Things quickly turned ugly when this lady flipped her shit after her gold tooth (yes, you read that right) fell into the toilet. Distraught, the woman went to rescue the precious metal, forsaking all hygiene and jamming her arm inside the public toilet to recover the tooth. During this valiant effort, the broad got her arm stuck and had to call security, an ambulance, and a plumber to free her hand.

Worst part? Her prized gold tooth was halfway to the Atlantic, destined to wind up in the mouth of some lucky manatee, no doubt. So many questions. First, is there a reasonable explanation for even having a gold tooth? Second, is there a reasonable explanation for having one so coveted? How did it wind up in the toilet? Did she pop the tooth out and bounce it back and forth in her hands like a slinky to pass the time, ending in tragedy? We'll never know.

2. Woman's Ass Skin Grew Around Toilet Seat

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This crazy lady was probably doing what women do most effectively: proving a point to her boyfriend. I imagine the argument went something like this:

Him: " I don't care what you say, I wasn't checking out that girl in front of you!"

Her: "I can't trust you and I'm not leaving! I'm going to watch your every move."

Him: "Stay right there on the toilet for all I care. Knock yourself out!"

Her: "Good, I will!"

Him: "Fine then."

Her: "Well, alright."

Him: "So, it's settled then. You're seriously not leaving?"

Her: "Nope. I said I wasn't so I won't. See, I'm a woman of her word. Try it sometime."

The woman sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years. If it wasn't for his quick, measured thinking under pressure, this woman might be dead today. His brave outreach to authorities saved her life. "I think there's something wrong with my girlfriend," he tells police. This man is clearly very astute. And apparently an unconditional lover by still calling this woman his girlfriend after her legs had atrophied from, you know, sitting on his can for two years.

3. German Man's Penis + Heidi Hoover: A Love Story

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Leave it to a German. A 40-year-old man stuck his wiener inside the tubing of a human woman his vacuum cleaner. For an undisclosed reason (either too much teeth or his ween found himself eye-to-eye with the black widow he vacuumed up the day before), the man was over it and tried to pull out, but was stuck inside this mantrap and called for help. A team of EMTs, rushed both man and Heidi Hoover to the hospital. Something tells me next time; Heidi Hoover's getting the angry inch.

4. Woman Glues Husband's Penis in Least Appealing Foursome Ever

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A married Wisconsin man solicited 3 women on Craigslist for a foursome. Stoked that he convinced 3 smokin' hot babes to do him at the same time really made this guy's day. And the ladies were sports enthusiasts to boot! He figures they must like him since they were making time to meet him with such busy softball coaching schedules.

The women meet him in the hotel room, strip him down to his underwear, tie him to a chair and blindfold him with a flannel. In a stunning turn of events, the women begin threatening him, calling him a cheater and that he had a lesson to learn. The man hears a fourth man-hating voice, belonging to his wife. Shit. His wife proceeds to cut his underwear off and super glue her husband's penis to his own stomach. The man claims they even put a cold gun to his blindfolded head, but he of course never saw it. Questions arose whether or not they used an actual gun or if they tricked him into thinking it was. Rumors swirled that the "gun" was probably just one of the ladies' torque wrenches conveniently pulled from her tool belt.

5. Man Shoves Jar of Peanut Butter up Ass

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A 65-year old man brought himself to the emergency room for a peanut butter jar lodged in his rectum. Apparently it was a short ride to the hospital because his story was shit. Hehe hoho. Get it? Cuz his ass. Anychunkypeanutbutter, the man claimed he was innocently giving his dog a bath in the shower, then slipped and fell directly onto the peanut butter jar, causing it to enter his ass. On accident. What are the odds, right?

Alright, this story is disturbing on all kinds of levels. This makes me want to go outside, hail a cab, take a plane, then a limo to this dude's house, punch him in the face, then go home. Does he think this "explanation" will slide by without any questions? I'd like to ask: First, what the hell is a jar of peanut butter doing in your shower? Second, why are you bathing your dog in the shower? Third, why are you naked bathing your dog in the shower and last, how does a jar that size just slip into your rectum on a whoopsie?

6. Naked College Guy Gets Head Stuck in the Dryer

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New Zealand dude is out drinking with his friends, having a good time and decides he will not go on a single second longer before changing his clothes. Solid decision. This, of course includes a change of underwear which he fuzzily recalled is in the dryer. He trots his naked happy ass down the hall to grab clean underwear from the dryer only to find the BVDs were ALL the way in the back. You see where this is going. Paramedics rushed to release this naked Kiwi's head and arm from inside the dryer. I can just picture him frightened, calling for his buddies help only to be manically laughed at and the subject of photos taken with a camera phone.

7. Boy's Tongue Stuck on Frozen Pole

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This poor guy obviously didn't see "Dumb and Dumber" or "A Christmas Story." Indiana kid's fourth-grade classmate dared him to lick a light pole in 10 degree weather. Guess what happened? It got stuck to the pole and an ambulance had to be called for help. Clearly no one had a cup of warm water nearby. Luckily, somehow the boy un-stuck himself by the time the team of medical professionals were chartered out. But they weren't completely unnecessarily utilized. No, the time they could have spent tending to a legitimate emergency was spent giving how-to lessons on caring for a chilly tongue to a couple of parents.

8. Philadelphia Woman Gets Ass Stuck in Sports Bar Toilet

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At a sports bar, a woman was having a good time when the four 899-calorie Midori Sours kicked in. She went to the ladies room and took a load off. The toilet seat broke in half because while she was sitting on it and her ass fell into the toilet bowl and she couldn't get out. She claims she was "violently" sent into the toilet, injuring her hip, lower back and thigh and is suing the sports bar along with the toilet seat manufacturer. Her attorney claims the woman weighs only 130 to 140lbs and did not cause the seat to break.

Look, if her weight in a public statement includes a ten pound gap, this bitch is a total toilet-breaking liar. First, since when did it become ok to offer a weight range instead of an actual number in a case about your weight? Second, this range is so dreamed-up by an overweight gal. It's like when girls with curly hair excitedly offer to do your straight hair for you; 45 seconds into the frizz-causing fluffing, it is clear that she doesn't know how to work with straight hair. It's like, don't bother, you have no frame of reference.

9. Woman's Arms, Head Stuck in Port-A-Potty at Concert

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18-year-old Charlotte Taylor was using a port-a-potty during a festival when she dropped her purse into the vat of human excrement. Like any person would do, she tried to retrieve it by shoving her arm down the toilet. One arm wasn't enough, so she employed her other arm as well and became stuck from the shoulders up. She realized she was stuck and yelled for help. It took firefighters 20 minutes to free her from the disgusting makeshift toilet. Best part: The team of firefighters hosed her off on the lawn in front of a very large crowd.

10. Sex-Starved Serbian Gets Pine Cone Stuck in Vagina

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Some broad from Siberia got so horny she used a giant pine cone to masturbate with. Although it was a smart, sexy and completely safe idea to begin with, she was betrayed when the pine cone got stuck inside her giney. It took surgeons two hours to successfully remove the spiny pine cone from her lady parts.

11. Man Gets Penis Stuck in a Welding Nut to Increase Size

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A very romantic, newly engaged man from Malaysia had to be rescued from a welding nut which was stuck around his penis. He was trying to make his ween longer by stretching caused by the heavy welding nut, but got a hard-on in the process, the nut squeezing the shit out of his penis. It was a sad day for this man's penis because not only did it not get any longer; doctors had to remove the top layer of skin on his junk in order to remove the welding nut.

12. Man Stuffs Rectum with Oven Mitt

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Some creepy dude was rushed to the hospital to remove a stuck oven mitt from inside his ass. An oven mitt. Doctors also found a stick up his ass, quite literally. This 20-year old man claims he used the stick to "introduce" the oven mitt and cut himself in the process. Sick. I realize the obvious question is why do it at all, but I'd like to know why he chose such items. Using a splinter-ridden stick to make way for the big finale oven mitt is just dumb.

13. A Man Named "Shon" Tried to Commit a Savvy Crime. I know.

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Shon Shanell earned himself -5 respect points when he tried to rob a Seattle house by entering through the chimney, which he got stuck in for 6 hours. Shon Shanell earned himself -5 respect points upon birth for being named Shon. He should have seen this coming. If I worked at Starbucks and with my pen poised asked for his name to write on the coffee cup and he corrected my spelling, I'd lose my shit. Imagine how much of an asshole you would be if you had a lifetime set-up for correcting people every time they spell your goddamn name. That's almost as lame as being named a common name, but changing the first letter to a totally different one. Meeting at a bar might go something like this:

(Girl typing guy's name into my phone)

Him: "No, it's 'James' with a 'G'."

Her: "No, that's not 'James' with a 'G', that's just Games and I think you're an epic yasshole with a silent 'Y'."

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