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Historic accounts may read as though Sarah Palin ran for Vice President in the 2008 Presidential election, but we all know that's bullshit - right?  Palin didn't even know what the job of the Veep was about, but she did know John McCain could keel over at any time and make her the first female president of the United States.

Since Palin viewed her candidacy as a straight shot to the Oval Office, let's take a look at how things could have been 100 days into her administration.

Education

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Teen pregnancy is a common thing, and Palin would have each of these girls become a mother, no matter how young or what the circumstances.  In order to keep these knocked-up and young mothers in school, Palin would have had diaper changing stations installed in all girls' restrooms in elementary, middle and high schools across America.  After all, pregnancy and caring for an infant shouldn't interfere with an education.

The Automotive Industry

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Alaska's got a lot of oil and Palin's mantra is "Drill Baby, Drill."  When Palin lost the election, it was the U.S. automakers who really felt it.  Those damn cars needed that oil, and Palin would have kept their factories churning no matter what the cost.  We have a lot less selection in domestic automobiles now, but we could have had a Hummer in every driveway if things had gone differently.

Immigration

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Hard to tell how immigrants would have fared had Palin become president.  In Alaska, she tightened restrictions on driver's licenses for illegals, but then gave them whole cities to hide in.  She just got so sick and tired of all the "immigration nonsense."  Sarah Palin doesn't have time for illegal immigration, what with all her other obligations to tend to, and they can settle the national issue with a coin-toss for all she cares.

Iran

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Since Sarah Palin's foreign policy experience consists of using Russia's east-coast as a garbage dump, and blurting out nonsense-strings of hawkish banter, we could have expected nothing short of World War III if she had taken office.  What the hell, she shot a moose from a helicopter, right?

Swine Flu

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For the first time since the election, Palin is breathing a sign of relief about her defeat.  If she were President, people would expect her to do something about the swine flu pandemic.  She believes personal responsibility and good choices should be enough to keep Americans healthy, even in the face of a public health crisis.  So under President Palin, we really wouldn't need to worry about swine flu, we'd all just make some responsible decisions not to catch it.

Bailouts for Financial Institutions

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We may be in a recession right now, but the major financial institutions caught the break of their lives when Palin lost the election.  A cheerleader for ethics reform, Palin would likely have let them burn to the ground before risking her right-wing image.  The failed McCain-Palin campaign may be the only thing that saved us from what could have been Palin single-handedly causing a new dustbowl-era Great Depression. 

Assault Weapons Ban

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Shooting things is what Sarah Palin loves best, right after nursing her underage daughter's children, so it really wouldn't have been any surprise to find any and all bans on assault weapons completely forgotten once she took office.  After all, Americans would have to defend themselves during World War III, right?

Foreign Relations

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Sarah Palin could see Russia from her house.  Have we ever, in the history of this country, had a President more qualified to handle foreign-relations than that?  The obvious answer would be yes, all of them, but in Governor Palin's world she's a top-tier diplomat.  If the world dislikes us now, they'd really hate us if she were to actually take the reigns.

Foreclosure Crisis

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Lost your house?  Well Sarah Palin's got the answer for you, and it's the local Mission or Salvation Army.  It's your own damn fault you lost that house anyway; why didn't you plan better?  You've just ruined things for your kids, but at the very least, you could get a bowl of soup as long as your willing to work for it.  Things are simple in Palin's America, and we like things simple, don't we?

Gay Marriage

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Sure, more and more states are accepting Gay Marriage as a viable option for their citizens, under THIS presidency.  Should Palin have taken office, things just might be a little different.  For instance; instead of allowing Gay people to get married, she'd be gracious enough to allow them to not be arrested for being Gay to begin with. 

Gitmo and Torture

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Sarah Palin supports the Bush doctrine, in every way, and in every situation, regardless of what it may be (don't worry, she doesn't know either).  Closing Gitmo wouldn't be an option, where would we put all the prisoners we take?  Where would we store them indefinitely?  As for torture, well, if it gets the job done, Sarah Palin's for it.

FDA Overhaul

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Overhauling the FDA is a horrible idea in Sarah Palin's humble opinion.  The entire Healthcare market should run itself, by free market, just like everything else.  If you can't afford that medicine you need, why not work harder?  Maybe get a better job?  A second job?  That's American.

National Healthcare

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If Sarah Palin took office, with her amazing snake-oil Free-Market Healthcare plan, the only ambulance ride we'd be able to afford would be with lego's.  You should really be taking better care of yourself anyway, how did you manage to get sick in the first place?  Your own negligence.  That's how.

Clean Energy and the Environment

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Sarah Palin knows clean air, wildlife, natural sights and the environment.  She's been working hard to allow people more freedom (that's American) to wreck them all in Alaska for years.  If she had taken the Presidency, we could look forward to gas-cars for the next hundred years, regardless of the cost of oil.  Oh, and speaking of oil, we'd each have an oil-derrick in our back yards, too.

Crime

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If Sarah Palin took office, we wouldn't have to worry too much about crime.  We'd be too busy hiding from the police on every corner.  We'd also have really cool-looking barcodes tattooed on our arms and nifty tracking beacons placed under our skin just to make sure we never get lost and break a law somewhere without someone knowing.  Sarah Palin knows how to make a populace feel safe, and it's with gratuitous death-sentancing on top of a police-state.  That's American.  That's Palin.  Why couldn't she have won?

Tags: celebrity