Necessity is the mother of all invention. Prison is still a place where only the most basic of human wants and needs are fulfilled; resources are still bust. So the prisoners who are still fighting back against all the stupid nonsense that, "the man" throws their way, have continued to use their critical thinking skills to craft some of the coolest MacGyver type shit the outside world has ever seen. Situations in prison still get heavy, from bloody chess matches, to lava-hot candy bars being used as molten chocolate projectile weapons. The following is another tribute to those still not satisfied with standard prison accommodations. We present to you our second round of the Wonderful World of Prison Inventions.

Basic Needs

Chess Set

Source

While most inmates may not "have what it takes" to become a member of the Harvard Chess Team, they definitely have the time on their hands to give it the old college try. Crude construction of pieces and a rag tag chess board does not stop the inmates from practicing their strategies. The games are usually played between death row inmates in the Yard, Gladiator style. The winner of the match is allowed to snap the neck of their opponent and rip the head clear off his shoulders, and hold it on high for all other inmates to see. Chess matches are the most watched games in prison, where even the slightest drop of blood is enough to send the Mexicans, Blacks, Asians, and Woods into a frenzy!

Cardboard Shelves

Source

It looks as though Martha Stewart's time spent in prison has really rubbed off on inmates all across the country. Why has IKEA not jumped all over this? Notice how clear and concise those instructions look, and how nice that shelf is? It really just ties the whole room together. Judging by the looks of the actual shelf pictured and the diagram next to it, it looks as though the dirty Swedes could take some notes. So until IKEA is able to monopolize the furniture used in prison systems, inmates will be resigned to their own devices, and back issues of Martha Stewart Living, when trying to make their cell all cozy and comfortable like.

Storage

Source

Some inmates find some form of religion in prison. Whether its Buddhism, Judaism, Nihilism, Neo-Nazi-ism, or Christianity, they find something to latch onto. Jail cells barely have enough, especially with a roommate, so storage is limited and a very nice amenity in prison. Murderers, armed robbers, rapists, and other nasty offenders are not known for their moral compass, and defacing a sacred book for personal gains is a no brainer. So the next time an inmate starts blowing a bunch of smoke up your arse about being "Born Again", ask him if you could take a look at his Bible, and you'll see what type of God-fearing man he really is.

Toilet Paper Mache Cup

Source

Who says that inmates didn't pay attention in school? In between showing the world their first signs of sociopathic behavior by beating up kids on the playground, dismembering animals, and doing cocaine at 7, some of them were actually paying attention in art class. Either that, or the class on paper mache is the only art class they attended. Just like us, jailbirds know there is nothing more annoying than waking in the middle of the night and not having a cup of water on the nightstand. So what do you do? You go old school art class on that fucking toilet paper roll and turn it into a muthafucking cup. Boom.

Candles

Source

Having a 10pm curfew for the next 25 to life sucks huge balls, so don't let "Lights Out" ruin your evening anymore. Grab an empty yogurt container, peel the foil off carefully and save it, gobble up the yogurt, and pour Johnson & Johnson baby oil into the container. To make the candle take the foil top you kept and poke a small hole in it. Take a piece of string and wrap tin foil around the upper part leaving 1/2in out. Pull the string through the hole in the top and replace the top on the container, and voil! You have a candle. Now you can mull over your trial till dawn trying to find some sort of loophole with that online law degree you got last summer. You can almost smell the parole hearing...wait, that's just burning baby oil.

Weaponry

Wolverine

Source

Where do they come up with this kind of ingenuity? Literally, inmates will turn anything into a dangerous weapon. There's always some kind of ulterior motive with these turkeys. Work hard and behave to get put on gardening duty. Then put upholstery nails in the knuckles of the gloves, so when you make a fist they pop out like Wolverine's blades from X-Men. Now you can go punk that Neo-Nazi dickhead that took the last Snack Pack Pudding at lunch yesterday.

Toothbrush

Source

Who gives a crap about what your teeth look like in prison, gummers feel better any ways. So take that old tooth brush and turn it into something useful, like a shiv. Improvisation is the name of the game, so find some type of cloth and string to construct a handle, run it across the concrete till its nice and sharp and you'll be gutting fools in no time.

Candy Bars

Source

While candy bars aren't made in prison, inmates have developed an interesting and original way to use them as a weapon. Candy bars as a weapon in prison?! Hell yeah, it's all fair game. Candy bars are melted down on hot plates and the scalding hot mess is thrown into the face of an inmate. The chocolatey and caramel goodness harden quickly, making it painful when it hits the face and a pain in the ass to get off of the skin.

National Geographic

Source

Who knew that the prison library and National Geographic had more to offer inmates than a glimpse of half naked, topless African women. This sweet ass shiv was constructed out of 25 pages of rolled up National Geographic, and then soaped & salted to make a rock hard weapon. After using one of these, they can easily be disposed of with a quick unrolling and a flush down the old turd Ferguson. Who me? Shank someone? Prove it!

Steel Carpenters Square

Source

You know all those tax dollars that hard working Americans supply the government with to take care of signs on highways, roads, and residential neighborhoods? Well, here they are, hard at work thanks to the Penal system's finest. This carpenter's square was turned into one hell of a weapon using metal snips found in the prison sign shop, where many state and highway traffic signs are still made today. At least the government can say your tax dollars are hard at work in this instance.

Advanced Engineering

Mini Lathe

Source

Now whoever put this miniature piece of ancient machinery together with limited resources in prison definitely gets a gold star for the day. A lathe is used in metalworking and glass-working to perform various operations such as cutting, sanding, and drilling. It's perfect for turning some old rusted sheet metal into some kick ass ninja stars - great news for the ever increasing ninja population in the Penal system.

Transmitter Bug And Receiver

Source

Source

A prisoner could spend years amassing an array of illegal contraband, but they need to keep it safe from the guards' prying eyes. All an inmate has to do is create a distraction so that another can slip past the guards and plant a transmitter bug in their office. Once secure and out of sight, they can listen in on their every conversation with the receiver they've hidden in a book. Whenever the guards think they are so brilliant and plan a "random" room sweep the inmates will be ready. No more hard work getting flushed down the toilet for no good reason.

Take a moment to visit our first post on prison inventions.

Tags: