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Beer Goggles: A Study of Ocular Disparity Resulting from Inebriation
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Beer goggles. Some would argue that "ignorance is bliss," though when there is a camera and witnesses around to attest to reality, your ignorance can quickly turn to humiliation.

My old friend Chuck always claims that the story of his life is, “…going to bed with a 10 at 2, and waking up with a 2 at 10.” He says this with a chuckle and a pause to solicit laughter. I enjoy the fact that he feels inclined to say this phrase to me whenever I see him – I think because I once mentioned that I was going out with friends over the weekend. He’s a senile old bastard that works at my neighborhood post office, and I have to endure this conversation a few times each week.



As much as I just humor Chuck, he brings up a good point. So I got to thinking, what is the drunk person's perception of reality, and how does it quantifiably differ from that of a sober person? Is the variance based on visual distortions, physical changes or solely on states of mental consciousness? So I put together an in-depth study using electrodes, virtual reality helmets, and nipple pasties. While conducting this scientific research, I was able to identify precisely five categories of people whose perception varied markedly from reality. My findings from these characters, along with some visuals from the VR helmets follow:

Case Study 1: The Life of the Party

 

Through Beer Goggles:

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“I’m the shit, and everyone else is a little person watching my every move. If I start doing crazy shit, so will they. I am truly the master of my domain...thriving in my element. Basically, everyone else is waiting for me to do the next crazy thing. And it might be the coolest thing ever! Truthfully, I’m capable of some pretty cool shit. I might keep yelling in this microphone, or maybe I should do the worm again..."

Without Beer Goggles:

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“Let’s give him some space – he drank a lot of Evan Williams during Nascar earlier. He’s also been going on all week about going on a binge, which is scary because he’s not getting any younger, and he just weirds everyone out. Oh shit Carl, do you always have to bring out your angry mushroom bong? Everyone knows if you smoke pot, you’re going to get all touchy-feely and start talking about that booze cruise you went on after your 2nd divorce.”


Case Study 2: The Drunk Dancer

 

Through Beer Goggles:

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“I’m so getting laid tonight. And this shirt that Nana got me for Christmas is actually pretty nice. That’s right I brought the jam. That’s it, you has-beens take a seat so you can watch a real man dance. I am so fucking good at this – who knew I just needed a little bit of liquid courage. What’s next, the snake? MC Hammer throwback shit… nobody knows. I’m getting hungry, but fuck it.”

Without Beer Goggles:

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“Who told Danny Devito that we were having a party tonight? He keeps staring at my stomach, and he won’t stop drinking. He’s doing something strange where his feet move a little bit. Is he trying to dance? Maybe we can talk him into getting more beer for the party, then lock the doors once he leaves. If he tries to touch any one of us, we should all jump his ass.”

Case Study 3: The Extreme Guy

 

Through Beer Goggles:

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“Whatever. I just shot-gunned a six pack of tall boys and now I’m just going to do a little caveman-to-fifty-fifty down the rail on my way down the steps. Next, I’m going to go find a supermodel to make out with, and grab a pack of smokes – in no particular order. Also, I’m going to light up a J if anyone wants to join me. See guys? World class athletes can still party.”

Without Beer Goggles:

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“Oh shit, who forgot to hide the skateboard from Louie? Whenever this asshole gets drunk he makes up stories about when he was an amateur skateboarder. The last time this happened he said he would have been the next Tony Hawk, but his dad talked him into going to community college, then he got complacent once he got his union job at Ralphs. He better not knock anything over.”

Case Study 4: The Beer Bong Bro

 

Through Beer Goggles:

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“Hell yeah, I brought the beer bong to the river. If I hadn’t, who else would have had the forsight? That’s right, after a couple of brews, all the chicks here are going to want to cozy up with the only guy here able to gravity-force-feed them three beers at a time. I hope I brought enough beer… cause any of these chicks would do. I just need to get them a little bit more drunk, the odds are in my favor. Shit, who knows – anything could happen with a beer bong! Maybe they’ll even scissor or something…”

Without Beer Goggles:

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“This elf costume is too small and I can’t believe I came to this party. This party is a bust. I’m the only other person here. And taking a bunch of beer bongs isn’t going to make more people show up. God, I hate
Chad.”

 

Case Study 5: The Pickup Artist

 

Through Beer Goggles:

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“These broads are firing hot. I’m glad I came out tonight, because the blonde is giving me eyes! Good thing I brought my camera. Maybe me and Ron should get a picture with one of these girls to show around the office come Monday...”

Without Beer Goggles:

source

“He always meets the weirdest-looking girls. At least this one has a good smile, and you know what? It’s just good to see him not playing WoW for a change.“

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rtcrooks December 7, 2008 at 8:35pm

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