Today I had the good fortune of waking up next to my girlfriend. The rest of the morning, was a little blurry, because I drank a bit too much last night. Before she woke up, I used my deductive reasoning skills learned in college, and figured she must have surprised me by driving to my house in the wee hours of the morning. This is all good and fine, but the really questionable part of last night was that I was only one off-color comment away from bringing home a one night stand. Had this happened, I would have been screwed.

This got me thinking about the timeless tradition of having sex with a woman you just met and don’t ever plan on calling again. Some are more skilled in this than others, and I am glad that I was unsuccessful last evening. I guess my failure was both a reason why I still have a girlfriend, as well as a catalyst for me writing what I like to call the Gentleman’s Guide to the One Night Stand.

Step 1: Find Your Target

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A wise man once told me that the best women to pick up at a bar, club or a party is not the most attractive woman there, but rather her best friend or the second best looking woman there. You receive bonus points if she is the same person. The logic behind this is that there are alpha-women just as there are alpha-males. As a result of flirting and talking with the No.2, you will then generate the attention of any women at the venue that are better looking than the woman you are talking to. Frankly, they will wonder why they are not being hit on.

It is widely noted that when women are ovulating, they will wear more revealing clothing. And conversely, if they are on their period, most women will tend to cover up because they are self-conscious, bloated or don’t care about trying to be sexy for the time being. Based on this logic, a woman in a bra-less tank top might be more inclined to go home with stranger, than say, a woman wearing a turtleneck.

It is also a good idea to make sure that the woman that you are going after is available; the time spent on attempting to hook up with married, engaged or women in serious relationships could better be used on someone worth the effort. While a one night stand might raise some eyebrows for moral reasons, what doesn’t these days? The fact of the matter is that one night stands can end poorly for some, so it is best to try to do this as gracefully and classily as possible. And if you end up getting a black eye from a jealous fiancée, it’ll be harder to pick on other women, unless you are the type to wear sunglasses at night.

Step 2: Make Contact

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Now that you’ve done the research, you should interact with her. There’s nothing creepier to a woman than a cold stare that lasts longer than a few seconds, so if you are really sizing her up, do so subtly. Creepy guy status is something you want to avoid. You also want to make sure that your attraction is known, but don’t be too aggressive. If you are absolutely smitten by her do something creative to get her attention: buying her an Adios Motherfucker is an angle that will have some level of success if you are playing the numbers game, but it could send the wrong message, and you could end up being known as the who just buys girls drinks, and ridiculous blue ones at that.

One way to intereact with her that has a proven level of success, is to do so in a way that is casual. If you are at a bar, and if she is playing billiards or foosball with her friends, figure out a way to play against or with them. Engage in a conversation about music, buy songs on the jukebox. At any rate, try to avoid the conversation that have one word answers like: “Are you from around here?” or “How’s it going?” A playful arguement is also a good ice-breaker.

Step 3: Physical Interaction

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Once you are engaged in some level of conversation, you can use body language to subconsciously show your intentions. Just as confidence is expressed in posture, interest can often be expressed by light touching. Note that light touching does not entail getting "handsy" with your partner. Physical contact in a non-intrusive manner will show your confidence and comforatbility in the situation.  If a woman grabs your arm or casually touches you while speaking, this is typically a good sign. Feel free to reciprocate in a non-creepy way. Touch is also a good indicator of interest on the receiving end, and a reaction to your touch can tell a lot.

Step 4: Taking It to the Next Level

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Eventually, further drinking should be encouraged, as this typically plays an essential role in doing things which you are sure to regret later. Assuming that you exercise some restraint, and that you like having sex with a woman that is not passed out, you should both drink enough to put you in a mood to keep moving forward. Remember to keep your eye on the prize. A classy move is to buy drinks for her friends as well, if she is with them. This shows that you are decent enough to make a few mistakes with.

If you’re a dancer, this is when its time to show your moves. Don’t be hesitant about getting sexual, but don’t take it too far: don’t pour water all over yourself while simulating crab-fucking the ground. This might be scary to some. Dancing should be a step in the right direction, and offers a good opportunity to get things moving toward intentions being clarified, either verbally or non. My dad always told me that a woman that will make out with you on the dance floor is more likely to have sex with a stranger, than those who do not. Good logic Dad.

Step 5: Closing the Deal

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Once you’ve already made the first move, you can keep drinking or get out of there to pursue your much-anticipated intercourse. Try to plan ahead a little bit, about how you are going to get the two of you out of there. Because if she is with friends, or if you are, you’ll need to make the arrangements with your buddies and convince her to do the same. Keep in mind that ladies don't always like to admit their intentions out loud, or to their friends, so it is good to make up an excuse or situation where it is easy to just "go with the flow," so she doesn't have to announce to the group, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE REST OF YOU ARE DOING, BUT I AM INTERESTED IN FOLLOWING MY PHYSICAL IMPULSES, AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT, AND GETTING IT ON WITH THIS GUY TONIGHT. SEE Y'ALL LATER!"

The biggest mistake made by most men is that they take a woman back to their place. The reason why you don’t want to do this, is because there are some psycho women out there, and if they think a one night stand is more than that, it’d be best to avoid their showing up at your house unannounced. No one is looking for more restraining orders. It’s also preferable to go to theirs, because if your house looks or smells anything like mine, it may just be a deal-breaker. A good move is – if you are sober – drive her car back to her house, and leave yours at wherever you were just at. If you need to, get a cab. Avoid drunk driving because a DUI or an accident can adversely affect your mojo. But either way, you want to make sure that you are not setting yourself up for driving her anywhere later that night, or in the morning.

If you are serious abot the one night stand, you will also make sure that you carry some prophylactics with you. Sounds tacky, I know, but it’s better to be tacky than to get warts or an “I’m pregnant” phone call in six weeks. Alternately, getting all the way back to her house and having to settle for some heavy petting will disappoint most.

Step 6: Do It

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Have sex. Make sure that it is good sex, because a one night stand could lead to a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Think of this as an audition, or an un-dressed rehearsal. If it has been a while and you are concerned about blowing it, take your time. Foreplay is strongly encouraged, and she’ll appreciate it. If it has been a week since you’ve showered, or you know that you have underwear on with skid marks, do whatever you can do avoid drawing attention to this.

Step 7: Calling It a Night (Morning)

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After you’ve brought her to climax enough times to wake all neighbors, your work is done. And although her company might be rather enjoyable, it is wise to start planning your exit strategy. This is one of the stickiest parts of the one night stand, because you don’t want to leave immediately after sex; unless you would prefer to seem like a complete jerk. If you didn’t take a shower, now is a good time to do so. Start thinking of graceful ways to leave that make it sound as if you are obliged to do something. A great excuse is to reference an important early morning meeting. This is especially a bulletproof excuse if you stay the night and are employed. Another way to get out of there after coitus is to reference your car that you left at the bar. She will understand if you want to avoid getting it towed, and need to go pick it up.

Step 8: Saying Goodbye

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Perhaps the best move on how to end your one night stand is to take her to breakfast. This puts you in a public place and you can show her that your amorous evening together was worth buying her flapjacks. At this point, saying goodbye should be done with as little emotion as possible. Let her know that you had a good time, but treat it as if it were a business transaction. I say this with risk of sounding rather cold, but the biggest way to freak a woman out is to become a stage-5 clinger. After breakfast, a separation is the normal progression, and you have effectively had a one night stand that hopefully only resulted in tears of joy.

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