You love it. You hate it. Whatever the case may be, Facebook has had some effect on your life. Whether you’ve signed up yourself or are subjected to other people relentlessly discussing it, one thing’s for sure – it’s a maddening presence in the modern world. The fact that it has taken the social media scene to unparalleled heights means that no matter how hard you try, you just can’t ignore it. Tell me that you didn’t watch The Social Network and I may just believe that you have no clue what Facebook is. But the fact that my great grand aunt Martha has managed to poke me, suggest some friends and comment on my relationship status just proves that it’s a force to be reckoned with. It’s reached even the most remote and technology-lacking areas of the globe. If this wasn’t true, then how else would you explain getting notifications from Kiritbati?
Although at most times Facebook can be quite trying, you have to admit that it’s also way more entertaining. Someone once said that if you ever wanted to read minds as your superpower, this was your chance. And I have to agree. Where else can you see people’s brain farts every second of every day?
While men use Facebook to catch up with friends or post pictures of their favorite sports team, women are declaring their relationship statuses. Here’s a little insight into the meanings behind these statuses, how men and women differ on the issue, and what they actually mean.
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Women: I’m single again! Now’s my chance to have that special me time and hang out with my best girls. I get to go out for a night on the town, order a couple of Cosmos and flirt with the bartender of that new bar downtown. At least, if he decides to ask me to have an after hours drink, I can say yes!
Men: PARTY! Time to call the guys and get wasted. Woohoo!
Women: So I’ve been seeing this cute bartender. I met him one night when I went out with some of my girlfriends. It’s been a bit hard since he works nights, so I only see him on certain days. Other days though, he doesn’t even call. So when people ask me if I’m seeing someone, I always say it’s complicated.
Men: I’ve just added another fuck buddy to my calendar. Problem is she’s only available on the same night as Amber. Fuck me. Oh well, guess I’ll have to find a way to fit her into my schedule.
In A Relationship
Women: I finally have a boyfriend J I’m so ecstatic! Now I have someone to cuddle with at night and finally bring home for Thanksgiving. I can’t wait for him to meet my family.
Men: Crap. Now I have to remember to put the toilet seat down. And to delete Amber’s number from my phone. Damn.
Women: We’ve finally made it official! There’s someone who shares my lifelong hopes and dreams. I can already picture the white picket fence and gorgeous green lawn. It’s going to be wonderful. As long as he quits his job as a bartender and finds something more stable too, things will be perfect.
Men: Bachelor Party! Vegas here we come, baby! I’m looking forward to a few hangover episodes myself. Bam!
Women: I’ve met the man of my dreams. I had the most beautiful wedding with the perfect gown and the best groom a girl could ask for. He even served up mixed drinks just like Tom Cruise in Cocktail, so cute! And now we already have a baby on the way. Life is grand!
Men: So I’ve finally given in to the ball and chain. That’s it, my life as I know it is over. On the plus side, I get to have sex regularly and I don’t need to use a condom. Yay, me.
Women: I hate him! The asshole was cheating on me with some stupid chick named Amber. What the hell kind of name is that anyway? She sounds like a slut. He better cough up that alimony, and soon. Idiot thinks I can take care of 3 kids on my own. Worst mistake of my life.
Men: Fuck. Should have deleted Amber’s name when I had the chance. Good thing my job in Harry’s is still waiting for me.
So before you decide to even go near your Facebook profile again, take a second to ponder what exactly you want people to know. Whether you decide to tell the whole world that you’re either single, in a complicated relationship, or tied down with 2 kids, 4 dogs, 3 cats and another puke maker on the way, think again. I’m pretty sure the high school crush you’ve been cyber stalking since he became officially single once more isn’t as cute as he was in 1998. His profile picture was probably taken at a really good angle. About 10 years ago.