Who would have thought that you could get relationship advice from a baseball player? And an obnoxious one at that! Kenny Powers may be rude, insufferable, and all things mean but you have to give the guy credit at times. He gives the most unconventional love advice. He may have had his share of failed relationships, but the women just keep coming. His love life is for the books. His exes probably hate his guts, but still, he gets what he needs from them.
Kenny Powers dominated the World Series in 2002. He struck gold and with his success came an inflated ego. He spoke his mind without remorse. Okay, so one might assume that he’s this real dude. He is played by American Actor Danny McBride, but he’s bits and pieces of real life baseball pitchers. In a way, you can say that he actually exists. He has the mullet of Mitch Williams, the abrasiveness of John Rocker, the talent of Robb Nen, and cocaine addiction of Steve Howe. Kenny is the worst and the best of the baseball greats.
He was discovered at the tender age of 19, and just like his fastball, his career was just as short-lived and as quick. Nonetheless, fans loved him so much that they even created Kenny’s own Twitter page. In this, you’ll find his nuggets of wisdom. He may f*ck up the lives of people closest to him, but there’s always an element of truth to what he says. Take his advice to heart or not – it’s all up to you. If you do take heed, amp up your delivery and hope that you don’t get slapped by women whose hearts you break.
Advice 1: Charges were dropped, Montel
“You wanna know about relationships? I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina. Yeah, she was a stripper. And if Montel Williams wants to talk shit, then he can go f*ck himself, cause those charges were dropped.”
Obviously, this dude has had several marriages under his belt, but it’s refreshing to see a man still seeking out a former flame. More surprisingly, it’s nice to know that man like Kenny still values a woman’s opinion. His ex may be no class act, but hey, she knows him best. So if you’ve had your heart trampled on by a woman, stop mourning about it. Move on and don’t let things get ugly. And if someone attempts to throw you off your tracks, tell them to basically make like a banana and split.
Advice 2: All your success depends on you, not on others
“Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball, I’m the man who can throw it faster than f*ck. So that is why I am better than everyone in the world.”
Kenny obviously loves dropping the F bomb, but he knows who he is and what he wants. That’s what you call confidence. You should have his gumption because if you let your insecurities get to you, you’re no better than the wallflowers you make fun of during parties. If someone claims to be the king of the jungle, kick them out and show them who’s really boss. You’ll have women falling on your feet in no time at all. If someone tries to take over your territory, throw them the f*ck out!
Advice 3: If you can’t stand someone in your family
“I’m not saying this from personal experience, I’m just saying in general, if you find someone you don’t like in your family, it is perfectly okay to f*ck them over.”
You grow and learn from every relationship you have – from your family down to your friends. You’re affiliated with certain people not by choice, but by blood. You may not like the people in your family, but you have to live with them. Just screw them over and cut ties. You’ve got nothing to lose. You’re better off with the ones you like anyway.
Advice 4: Laying down the whole truth
“Honey, I love you, I think you’re a terrific girl, but you have clothes like a f*cking d*ckhead.”
What do you say if your girl asks you if she’s too fat? If you say no, you’re a liar. If you say yes, you’re mean. This is a double-edged sword, but it’s better to tell the truth. So what if you get the wrong reaction? She set you up in the first place. Slap that b*tch hard with the truth and she’ll know the next time around never to ask a self-incriminating question ever again. You’ll get into trouble but at least she’ll know that you’re a lot smarter than she actually gives you credit for.
Advice 5: Being a true champion
“But, a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.”
What do you do if your girl puts you on the spot? What happens if you find out that she’s actually having an affair with another man? Let your wolf-like tendencies take over. Fight for what you have. Basically, you have to mark your territory. Even if you have to pee on her, do it. You’re not the wuss who simply walks away with his head hung low. You’re the alpha male who beats the crap out of anybody who steps on his territory.
Advice 6: All about Eduardo Sanchez
“I believe, you gotta do what you feel in the moment. You gotta trust in your feelings. If you wanna buy something that you like, buy it. Don’t worry about the money, you just buy it. You wanna have sex with a girl, have sex with her. You wanna leave the condom off? Go for it – it feels better that way….”
It’s hard to believe that this is a piece of advice that a father gives his son. Well, that’s Eduardo Sanchez for you. This actually explains why Kenny is so obnoxious and rude. But then again, if you can’t do the things you love, then what’s the point of living? Worry about the repercussions as they come. If you get a lot of crap from it, so what? You’re trying to live each day the best way you know how. Others may not agree with you, but if you get satisfaction from it, then to hell with them. You’re just trying to live your life without the what-ifs lurking at the very back of your mind.
Advice 7: When you realize what you’ve lost or what you don’t have
“I made the mistake of leaving you behind before, and I’ll be goddamned if I’m gonna do it again. f*ck all that fine Cuban p*ssy. Your olive skin beats that any day of the week. I’m doing it right this time. We’re doing it together.”
Joni Mitchell couldn’t have said better in her song, “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone. They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.” The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. Or, it may be, but you wouldn’t like how it feels beneath your feet. If there are things you don’t like about your girl, stop whining about it. The other fishes in the sea and just as picky and spiteful. At least you know what buttons to push with your woman. Put up with her quirks because that’s just how women are. They all like to fuss, whine, and nag. Hey, at least you get laid at the end of the day, and that’s what’s really important. Either way, you’re bound to put up with this kind of sh*t from anyone.
Advice 8: Why you need to appreciate your friends
“You know, Stevie, when I first met you, I’ll be honest with you, you were a little bitch…. But now I’m looking at you, and to me you seem like a dude who knows what’s up. You don’t take sh*t from anybody, you smoke weed on the reg. Quite frankly, you’re somebody I’m proud to know. And you’re somebody who deserves whole hell of a lot more than just being an assistant.”
Everybody comes with quirks. If there’s something you don’t like about your friends, tell them about it. Beat them over the head with a bat and tell them how to be cool like you. When they finally take your advice, congratulate them for it. Take pride in the fact that you did give them a chance. Don’t just drop them. Some of them can actually be trained.
Advice 9: When paying for sex
“A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant superstar. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. Several times, in fact. And it’s actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.”
So what if you pay for sex? Hugh Grant did, and so did Rob Lowe. These two stars still have careers, as you can see. Own up to doing it with a hooker. Hey, that’s what they’re there for. At least you’ve given them support and you helped them with their career. It’s all about changing your perspective. At least you’re man enough to admit the truth. This is every man’s rite of passage – you just happen to enjoy it until this very day.
Advice 10: Doing it for a woman
“Reminds me of why I’m here in the first place. A quest is nuthin if you got no one to brag about it too; you will never reach the end if you’re only doing it for yourself. Me, I’m doing it for a girl I had to leave behind, just to get this far. Now I gotta go a little further to get back to her. All I can do is hope that one day she’ll understand, and when that day comes, it’s not too late.”
Girls don’t always understand why you do the things you do. But in reality, you’re just taking care of yourself first. You gotta be selfish at times. If she doesn’t understand it immediately, she’ll move on and forget about you. You, on the other hand, always knew what your priorities should be.
Advice 11: About loving women
“Some people say that Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That’s not true – I love women. Every f*cking one of them, even the ugly as sh*t ones. But don’t ask me to trust them. Not even nuns. Because every pair of t*ts comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can’t fill.”
Kenny loves the ladies but he knows when to leave them. You should give him credit for this kind of attitude. Hey, at least he’s not the one paying alimony to a scorned ex. That just makes him smarter than half the men on the planet. He’s not out there to fill the gap. What he has is his, and that makes him a genius in his own right.
Advice 12: Respecting the woman’s mind
“You gotta respect her mind, just as much as her body.”
Kenny can be a self-serving egotistical jerk, but hey, the guy does have a sweet side to him. He knows when to leave a woman and when to shower her with praises. He’s a pig who gives sweet love like no one else can. And he doesn’t stay in any relationship long enough to feel the immense pressure. This guy has perfect timing. He loves them and leaves them, but at least he doesn’t stay long enough to make her life a living hell.
You could be Kenny Powers too. His wisdom is unparalleled. He may be rough around the edges, but when you look closer at his beliefs, you’ll come to realize that this Neanderthal is actually an Einstein.