We’ve all had that dream where we’re sitting at some bar having a cocktail with a character from a well-loved novel or movie. The dream feels so real, that it could have almost been true. Except in reality, you couldn’t really have had that Cuba Libre with Holden Caulfield, right? No matter how much you both agree that the adult world sucks. And even if you wake up with a hangover from hell, you’ll soon realize that you were the crazy nut sitting alone at the bar talking to yourself. If only hallucinations could turn into truth, here are 13 fictional characters we’d love to drink a beer with.
Who wouldn’t want to enjoy a cold one with Superman? I mean, the guy’s obviously got some serious skills. He may not exactly be your best wingman considering that undoubtedly every girl at the bar would really rather sleep with him than you. I mean, that’s just a given. But the fact that you can hang out with him and ask about all his superpowers – flying faster than a speeding bullet, x-ray vision, unparalleled strength – talk about cool. And how about seeing the world perched on top of his shoulders while having a beer to boot? Pretty awesome, if you ask me.
Probably every guy on the planet has dreamt of having an affair with a sexy, older woman. And knowing exactly who Mrs. Robinson is and what she’s willing to do, expecting a sure thing definitely takes the pressure off when you walk into that imaginary bar. You may be the only one drinking beer though as she’ll order a “mah-tini” with obvious sensuality. At least one thing you can rely on – no need for any awkwardness in the aftermath since in the real world there is no daughter to fall in love with.
If you’ve had the pleasure of sitting down and watching Scarface then you know that Tony Montana is one crazy bloke. Who wouldn’t want to have a shot of ale with a drug lord, I mean he’s obviously got major connections, right? Whatever your poison, I’m sure he has it. Although he’ll probably choose to drink a glass of neat scotch instead of a bottle of beer. But who are you to complain? You’re getting all the cocopuffs you can ever dream of. And if you can get past the scary idea of “saying hello to his little friend” then you should be just fine. Just don’t try to date his sister.
The perfect hair, the elegant tux, the English accent, and the fact that he’s a spy for British government says it all. He’s smoother than smooth and beds only the hottest of women. Who wouldn’t want to be associated with James Bond? Who else can teach you how to keep your suit unbelievably unwrinkled underneath a wet suit? Plus, we all know that drinking beer is a boys’ game, if you want to join the men then you’ll need to know when to order something shaken and not stirred. And James Bond is the only one who can teach you that.
Although there’s definitely something to be desired when it comes to the ghoulish factor, Gollum was once a happy, little hobbit. He used to enjoy tankards of beer, and even the occasional toke. But ever since he found his “precious”, things went so very wrong for him. It would still be fascinating to meet up with this Halfling to see and learn what his thoughts on life are and what leisure is like in Middle Earth. Plus, getting him drunk will up your chances of stealing the ring for yourself. But the question will then remain – will you sell it or keep it for yourself? Guess that’s a completely different fantasy to dream about.
Whatever happens, if you’re having a few lagers with Quagmire, no matter what you do, you won’t seem like the crazy one. Even if you were in the middle of The Drunken Clam, completely naked and screaming your ass off, you’d still seem pretty normal compared to someone who calls himself Dr. Vadgers. Talk about the quintessential sex addict, he takes everything too far. Just make sure you only drink with him once lest you find the words “Giggity” falling from your lips.
If there was anyone who was able to shock the living hell out of someone, it was Darth Vader. Although it’s obvious that he can’t be the first one to tell some young, unsuspecting guy that he’s the dude’s father, I’m pretty sure no one was as dramatic as he was. Talk about a shitty home life right? One where your father is your ultimate nemesis? Maybe getting together to have that beer will help you work things out. Plus, if you meet up in a karaoke bar, it would probably be fun to hear him belt one out with that crazy voice.
This one could really go two ways. Either Jason Bourne could be your best friend on a crazy night of debauchery, or the most frustrating dude to drink with. Firstly, he could come in handy if the night before he woke up with amnesia, he was out with you when you decided to “accidentally” cheat on your girlfriend. Since he wakes up with zero recollection of who he even is, he’s the perfect alibi. But if you do happen to meet him the day after his memory loss, he may just be quite baffling to talk to. Imagine having a conversation with someone who can’t remember anything about themselves, or you for that matter? Then again, that might still come to your advantage. And be careful not to make too many forgetful jokes, he could totally kick your ass if he doesn’t like you teasing him.
Maximus Decimus Meridius
If you can get past the scary armor and intimidating stare, then “The Spaniard” will make for great company. Although it may take more than one drinking session to literally figure out how many people’s he’s killed. And if you get into an argument with someone at the bar, who better to have your back? Anyone that has defeated a tiger in the stadium of death is incontestably kickass!
I don’t think there has ever been a cartoon character that every hot-blooded
male has ever wanted to screw. But Jessica Rabbit is in a different category than any other drawing out there. She’s the epitome of the perfect pinup girl, with the flowing red hair, humongous boobs and legs that just won’t quit. Who wouldn’t want to get her inebriated so you could take advantage of her just a bit? We know that sounds extremely creepy but it is unparalleled fantasies we’re talking about so I guess anything goes.
MacGyver is probably cool to have around in any situation, not just when it comes to throwing back some cold ones. Although being in a bar with him would probably be quite opportune considering all the useful stuff you can find there. I can only imagine what kind of sticky situation he could get out of using just a coaster, a table napkin and some toothpicks. Hell, he could probably even make an explosive that would blow the place to bits.
Mary Poppins would have made anyone’s childhood better. The fact that she can make anything you need appear out of her satchel, put bad boys in their place and make everything better with a spoon full of sugar is just plain amazing. Can you imagine having a brewski with her too? A little mischievous and a lot wise, she’ll probably out drink anyone who throws down a challenge. Plus the minute you run out of alcohol, she can just reach into her magic medicine bag and pull out another 6-pack out.
Oh, did you say fictional? Chuck Norris is so awesome that he can’t truly be real, right? Wrong! He’s even more amazing than you can ever imagine. And we’re pretty sure you’ve heard this one before: When Chuck Norris drinks beer, he doesn’t get drunk. The beer gets Chuck Norris-ed. Boom!
So the next time you’re lying in bed wishing you were at your local pub having a bottle of beer, start counting sheep and open up your mind to a torrent of possible drinking buddies. With so many prospects though, it would be toilsome to choose. Why not just make it a party so everyone’s invited. As the saying goes: “The more, the merrier”.