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You thought it was embarrassing to have to order your girlfriend a Stoli Raspberry and 7 UP? You wouldn't want to be caught dead ordering some of these special cocktails in a large crowd. To avoid any confusion, hopefully you can make it clear that you would, in fact, like a mixed drink and not some sort of strange sexual favor from the bar staff. If not, you may end up getting some strange looks at best, or a toss out the door at the worst. Here are 13 cocktails that you should avoid ordering at your next family reunion or work conference.

Mountain Dew Me
2 oz Midori® melon liqueur
1 oz triple sec
4 oz pineapple juice
1 splash 7-Up® soda

Fill highball glass with ice, then add all ingredients. Shake and serve. Garnish with a Lime.

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Oh, Mountain Dew. You were a favorite when I was a kid and needed a sugar high, but then I drank a whole 2 litre bottle of you one afternoon when I was 12 and vomitted everywhere. It's nice to see that there is a drink now named after you - and it might also work as a double entendre when ordering this beverage to an attractive waitress. If the response is not what you are looking for, you can say, "Oh excuse me, I said, ‘Can I have a Mountain Dew please?’". Then after she brings your soft drink to the table, pour some vodka from your hip flask into it. She didn't have a sense of humor anyway...

Slippery Bald Beaver
1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps
1 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
1/2 oz strawberry puree

Pour ingredients into a stainless steel shaker over ice. Shake until ice cold. Pour into an ice-filled old-fashioned glass, and serve.

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Definitely not the drink you order when you are out with the guys to watch the Fall Classic. Maybe, just maybe, it is acceptable to get a few shots of these if you run into a cougar, and you are looking for a sexually suggestive drink name that will simultaneously make a woman laugh, and alter the direction of your evening.

Bend Over Shirley
1 1/2 oz raspberry vodka
4 oz Sprite® soda

3/4 oz Rose's® grenadine syrup

Fill a 12oz. glass with cubed ice. Add 1.5 oz. of Raspberry Vodka. Add Sprite, and top off with Grenadine. Garnish with two Maraschino Cherries.

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Not the drink that you order at Grandma's 80th Birthday. I don't care if it is open bar at the fancy ballroom that your parents and aunts and uncles rented out for her, and even if there is no one in ear shot. You can't let anyone in your family find out that you drink beverages named this way. Because you know what will happen - you will get drunk and after a while you'll start offering up the name of the drink to anyone that will listen... that would just be weird. But then, your uncle Rick might take you to the kitchen go get some water and maybe a coffee. This is his way of telling you that you are acting like an ass, even though he is saying "It's ok, you just gotta pace yourself buddy."

Butt Sex
2 oz strong black coffee
1 oz vodka
1 oz triple sec
1/3 oz lemon juice

Fill with whipped cream

Start with the coffee, preferably espresso. Add in the vodka, triple sec and lemon juice (lime juice can be used instead) and stir. Top with the whipped cream.

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Butt Sex. See Bend Over Shirley.

Suck, Bang & Blow!
1 oz Jacquin's® orange flavored gin
1 oz Rumple Minze® peppermint liqueur
2 oz Goldschlager® cinnamon schnapps
1 oz Jagermeister® herbal liqueur
3 oz Jose Cuervo® Especial gold tequila
1 oz Hpnotiq® liqueur
1 oz Smirnoff® vodka
1 oz Absolut® Citron vodka
1 oz Aristocrat® triple sec
1 peeled, whole lime
5 oz strawberry daiquiri mix
2 cups cranberry juice
1 cup sugar

Add all ingredients to a blender with ice, and blend until smooth. Pour into a hurricane glass, and serve.

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As this name would indicate, this drink is a whole lot of fun. Just look at that ingredients list. This would probably be my last drink if I were on my way to rehab (literally drinking this while driving there), as well as If I were just about to be put down via lethal injection.

Ass
1 oz Absolut® vodka
1 splash DeKuyper® Sour Apple Pucker schnapps

Almost-fill a shot glass with Absolut vodka. Top off with a splash of DeKuyper's sour apple pucker, and serve.

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This is the kind of drink that you can joke with your friends in a innocent pre-party environment. You just don't want to be caught yelling for ass at the bar later that night.

Sex on My Face
1/2 oz Yukon Jack® Canadian whisky
1/2 oz Malibu® coconut rum
1/2 oz Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
1/2 oz banana liqueur
1 splash cranberry juice
1 splash pineapple juice
1 splash orange juice

Mix in tall glass w/ice.

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The beach is dirty. Sand gets everywhere. This is a drink you may want to be caught yelling for at the bar, especially if the bartender is attractive, humorous and you actually have a chance with her. Most likely though, she's just flirting with you to get better tips and you've just been put in her mental file bin labeled " creepy guy".

The Blow Job
1/2 oz anisette
1/2 oz Irish cream

Layer in a shot glass; Irish cream on top, and serve.

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Who doesn't love blow jobs? As emmasculating as this drink sounds and looks when someone is taking one, you can't deny that they are fun. Maybe it's just fun to hear girls say "it".

Screaming Orgasm
1 oz vodka
1 1/2 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
1/2 oz Kahlua® coffee liqueur

Pour first vodka, then Bailey's, then Kahlua into a cocktail glass over crushed ice. Stir.

Caution: use only high quality vodka. Cheap vodka can cause the Bailey's to curdle. Test your brand of vodka by mixing 1 Tsp each of vodka and Bailey's first.

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If only mixing a drink would deliver an "O", right guys? Well, either way... this is a tasty beverage. Reminds me of a White Russian, but with a better name.

The Leg Spreader
1 oz 1800® Tequila
1 oz vodka
1 oz gin
1 oz rum

Mix in glass and enjoy.

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The Leg Spreader. Not just a cleaver name. Everyone knows what happens when Tequila is brought into the mix. You just gotta make sure you don't drink too much or eat that gross worm the Mexicans put in there.

Slippery Nipple
1/2 oz Bailey's® Irish cream
1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps

Serve as is.

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The Slippery Nipple is a fun drink name to say, but once again you gotta be careful when you order this drink. I went to San Diego and had some Slippery Nipples with a couple of Asian girls last weekend. That is ok. If I were to go play some Golf with my friends from college, however, I'd probably stick to Light Beer. Maybe a Microbrew.

Blue Balls
1 oz raspberry vodka
1 oz coconut rum
1 oz Blue Curacao liqueur

Pour one part of all three ingredients into a shaker, with ice. Mix well and serve as double shots.

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I don't know when I'd ever want blue balls. I think the only time you'd ever get one of these drinks is if your girlfriend comes back to the booth with shots for you and all of your friends, and she gets everyone else a kamikaze except for you. Instead she gets you a Blue Balls. It's her clever way of telling you that she might be holding out on you later, if you don't stop making fun of her weird ass family.

Afghanistani Whore
4 oz rum
1 can root beer
4 oz vodka

Just pour to taste and enjoy.

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Too soon?

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