Half the fun of watching a football game is trying to figure out how to get your drink on. Even if you try to booze up from morning until game time, once half time hits, you’ll presumably be sober again, which pretty much sucks. Plus, you’ll most likely be left with horrible alcohol breath and a massive headache in the end. FUN! To ensure that this doesn’t happen, here are a few tried and tested ways to sneak alcohol into a football game:
1. Duct-tape Flask to Body
Flasks are probably the easiest tool you can use to sneak in your booze. Not to mention that taping it close to the family jewels will make it less likely to be found. Plus you can be sure security doesn’t get paid half as much as your urologist. And unless they swing that way, I highly doubt they’ll want to go anywhere near your goods. So tape away! You might want to shave first though, unless you want to get a very unpleasant “wax” at the same time.
I’m pretty sure this was not a Steve Jobs invention. But nonetheless, it is still very innovative in it’s own way. This contraption will not only make you seem technologically up to date, but it can hold up to 5 ounces of your preferred poison. iCool!
3. Binocular Flask
If you don’t really care to watch the game up close, then this is the contraption for you. You may not actually see the game, but at least if you’re drunk enough, you can imagine the outcome you hope for. Hell, you can even be the star quarterback if you want. It brings Fantasy Football to a whole new level!
4. Umbrella Flasks
Here’s an apparatus that will make you pray for rain on game day for once. Not only will it keep you dry, all the booze you consume will warm you up at the same time! Plus no one will even bother to question you when you bring it in. That’s a win-win situation if you ask me!
5. Flask Tampon
Women always complain when Aunt Flo comes visiting. But this is certainly one way you won’t be hearing any whining. Pack a few of these babies into your female cohorts bag and you should be good to go. In case you get stopped by the stadium’s security, you don’t even have to flinch. No man in his right mind would ever want to go near them, ever.
6. Drunken Wallet
Even if this can only had a minimal amount of booze, at least it can still pack a punch with it’s 2 ounce quantity. Make the liquor count and fill it up with some Johnny Black or Jim Beam for maximum effect. For once your wallet will be your friend.
7. Secret Beer Belly
This is probably the least suspecting, booze-sneaking gadget there is. Not only does the average male sport spectator already have a beer belly, there’s really no secret about it! It’s getting the beefy sentinel standing guard at the gates to believe that your belly feels less like a waterbed than actual fat that will be the problem.
8. Wheel Chair Decoy
Here’s where crazy Uncle Bob comes into perfect use. Not only will your family love you for being such a sweetheart to him, the wheelchair he uses will be your best ally. This might even work if you try to sneak in marijuana from Mexico.
9. Pocket Shots
Whoever said great things come in tiny packages can say that again. Appropriately named and aptly sized, these pocket shots will be your best friend. Tiny but deadly, they will do the job quick! Finding places to hide them on your body and playing hide and seek with yourself just might be fun during a boring quarter. Hooray for the geniuses that came up with this one!
10. Fake Baby Decoy
A fan favorite, this is probably one of the best ways to sneak in the booze during a game. Not only will you have plenty space to pack in the drinks, women of all ages will be flocking to your side. Just pray that they don’t actually ask if they can take a look at Junior.
11. The Wine Rack
Ladies, this one’s for you. Put on that booze bra and fill it up to the brim. Anyone close enough to look will only appreciate the size and not care what’s holding them up. And if this doesn’t work on the field, you can always try your luck at the next Hooters job fair.
12. Seat Cushion Flask
Who can blame you for wanting your tushy to get some lovin’? Plus the fact that this cushion has the pretend task of keeping your ass comfy, it must also have the size to hold all the liquor you want! So sit back, relax and drink up. Football was never this enjoyable!
13. The Camelbak Backpack
Just as the name suggests, this backpack’s original use is exactly that, to hold water in a bag on your back. So why not put it to some other good use and fill it with vodka instead? Make sure to check it first before going on your next hike with the family. You might find yourself in need of those long forgotten Boy Scout skills once you end up drunk as skunk.
Here’s an idea that makes you thank the gods you ever decided to get wasted and have a kid with that chick from homecoming. All those nappy changes will come in handy when its actual alcohol you’re squeezing out. Make sure to use the crappy brand of pampers too or you’ll find yourself swearing at how amazingly absorbent they actually are.
So, what will be your sneaky booze gadget of choice? Whether it’s the iFlask, the tampons or your own sweet child, as long as it gets the job done, that’s all that matters. The point here is that you give yourself props for being as clever as MacGyver, while getting as drunk as Lindsay Lohan.