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The 10 Drunk People You Don't Want To Meet At The Bar
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You probably despise them when you bump into one on a night out, but they are a bountiful source of entertainment. Only if you like making fun of other people's misfortunes, that is. These 10 social trainwrecks ensure your night out is anything but dull. The 10 people you don't want to meet at the bar make you feel that much better about yourself. Maybe you're being paid $11 an hour and wrote a bad check to the liquor store so that you have enough Popov for the weekend, but hey, at least you aren't one of these douchetastic species.
1. The Friend of the Bartender
This guy saunters past the line, gives the bouncer a fist bump and makes a beeline to the bar to say a booming hello to his buddy the bartender. He laughs loudly and grabs the remote brazenly to do a “I know the bartender here” channel change. He talks loud enough for everyone in the bar to know that he, is the bartenders friend. He is important. He gets 10% off of draft beers. And he can change the channel himself. Because he’s friends with the bartender.
2. The Guy Who Pretends to Like You to Get Closer to Your Friend
2. The Guy Who Pretends to Like You to Get Closer to Your Friend
You noticed him checking you out a trip to the restroom to share lip-gloss with your friend ago. He finally approaches your table and asks you the three inevitable questions: 1. Where do you live? 2. What do you do? 3. Is your friend single? You realize that he didn’t care that you are moonlighting, or that you live in a sweet little place in town, which has a gym and a killer pool. He pumped you for information to get closer to your hot friend. “Let me save you some time: She thinks you’re a douche. If you’re not buying a round, get the fuck away.”
3. The Girl Who Thinks Everyone is Hitting on Her
“Excuse me”, you say. She looks you up and down, gives a disgusted look and claims, “I have a boyfriend!” Relax bitch, I just asked if you could move your fat ass out of the way because I have to take a shit and you’re blocking the bathroom door.
4. The Business Card Guy
He got off work four hours ago, but is still in his suit and tie. He looks important. Business Card Guy sits alone at the bar and is constantly looking around for his fake date, who is invisible and thirty minutes late. Scrolling on his Blackberry, he strikes up a friendly conversationwith you, and you make a general remark about the dwindling economy and return to your rousing game of interactive bar trivia. “Give me a call if you’re ever in the market to make some extra green.” You begrudgingly pluck the business card that he is holding between his fingers like a cigarette and glance at it. Douche VonAwful of Pyramid Scheme, Inc. Naturally.
5. The Fat Girl With High Self Esteem
Sure, she has big cans, but she weighs a metric ton and has vascular disease. For some reason, she has unusually high self-esteem for such a Roseanne. She tries to create a diversion from her body by wearing oversized necklaces, earrings and bracelets, but this only makes her look like a cellulite ridden version of Mr. T, except with more facial hair and less scowly. In fact, this bitch appears to be happy. Spare me.
6. The Guy Who Bums Your Last Smoke but Doesn't Inhale
“Bum a smoke?” He’s not really cute, but you haven’t talked to anyone all night. You reach for your Marlboro Lights and light up, then offer the last cigarette in the box to him, so that he knows it is your last one. Any real smoker would know the etiquette of never to bum a smoker’s last cigarette. “Thanks”, he says. It is then that you realize that this asshole is bumming a smoke as an excuse to chat you up. You watch as he raises the ciggie to his never oxygen deprived lips as if he were on Fear Factor. Just as you suspected. After a small suck, guy quickly blows a thick cloud of smoke out. The bitch didn’t inhale. Wasteful fuck.
7. The Sunglasses At Night Guy
Possibly the worst offender. You and your girlfriends hit the dancefloor after “California Love” comes on. It is then that you see him. His black hair looks wet, he has Versace sunglasses on, long gold chains resting on his exposed pubey chest. Oh God. He mistakes your look of horror as a look of “Goddamn! That guy is so hot, my mouth just dropped open!” He shimmies on over to you and you almost choke from his Aqua Velva cologne. You turn to leave, but not before he gives you a pinky wave laden with gold and diamonds.
8. The Drunk Guy Who Loves The Jukebox. And Music.
Guy at the jukebox. He loves music so much, he would let it go down on him. He has been generally moving to the beat of each song and rasps out a few “YOU! Shook me all night long!” Generally enjoying himself whilst making a complete asshat of his life. The song changes, you see his eyes light up, he holds his breath, hurridly taps his friends on the shoulders and notifies everyone that this is HIS song. “Who Let The Dogs Out?” Speaks volumes.
9. The Divorcee Who Is Socially Inept
He’s 47 and his wife of 18 years just divorced him. You would think he’d be looking for some ass, but he just wants to talk. Mostly about his ex-wife. Once he gets the hot 21 year old a Long Island Iced Tea, he knows he has her captivated at least for two long swallows. She seductively sucks on a marchino cherry from the bar but he doesn’t have a clue. After twenty minutes, hot 21 year old is letting this man sob into her extensions and offers a hand job to which he politely declines.
10. Your Boss After You Called In Sick
You called in sick to work on a Wednesday to hang out with your buddy and spend the day drinking. Once 6pm rolls around, you guys are nicely toasted and head out to the local bar. After a pitcher and a basket of beer battered fries, you do a barf/burp and high tail it to the john to barf and make room for more beer. Once you stumble back to your bar stool, you hear someone calling your name. You deftly swing your head around and holler, “That’s ME!” After you wipe the spittle from your lips, you narrow your glassy eyes and realize it’s your boss. Shit. He doesn’t look happy. You offer a cough as if you were asking a question and put out your cigarette.
Sloshspot in Your Area
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redfoxone July 14, 2008 at 7:03pmLOL, the Fat Chick with High Esteem! LMAO, good one! JT www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com -
Schuby July 14, 2008 at 8:44pmThis pretty much nails it on the head. -
herring July 14, 2008 at 9:26pmDid you get model releases for all the photos of identifiable people that you are publishing here?
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gaywad July 14, 2008 at 10:47pmYou dumb hater, It's whores like you (and the douchbags you attract) that keep American bars filled with mediocre cunts. Fuck you, and your bankrupt lifestyle. signed, #8, or as close as your illiterate descriptions can get.
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dirtyfeet July 14, 2008 at 11:22pm@Herring- NO, SHE DID NOT GET MODEL RELEASES OR GET PERMISSION FROM THE ARTIST WHO TOOK PHOTO #7. (See the real image with description from the 70s Pornstar Party that we threw and got all glammed up for. ) Enjoy! http://www.flickr.com/photos/dirtyfeet/2522959518/
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jbushkey July 14, 2008 at 11:46pmGuys definately be somewhat like #2. Don't be a user, but do not let the women know which one your after. Get to know them all (for real! again don't be a user) I have had women admit to me they were intrigued because they weren't sure who I was interested in and got into a competition amongst themselves to try and win me. Keep them guessing guys ;)
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whitegold July 14, 2008 at 11:49pmyou're pathetic, and this is a horrible list. I can't believe how ignorant you are. It's because people like you that makes this country so fucking superficial. I mean, do you really despise someone because they're overweight, but somehow found the courage to ignore ignorant people like you just to be happy? just listen to how that sounds, and know how terrible of a person you are. I mean look at you! the typical american snobby little bitch. chances are you'll grow old, be fat, divorced, have ugly kids who hate you, and be teribbly in debt. you have a big forehead, a fucked up nose, and mad because guys constantly pass you up to get to your hot friends. stupid cunt.
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Lauren July 15, 2008 at 12:10amWHITEGOLD - Sweetie, I believe you fail to grasp the sarcasm of my article. I must have struck a chord with you. You should know better, honey. Next time, try to be an objective reader and lighten the fuck up. I wrote to appease both the male and female reader. I might have a big forehead, but I can always get bangs. There are no bangs long enough to cover your muffin top. -
MtotheThird July 15, 2008 at 12:49amLauren, I think you seriously goofed here. The post is OK, I suppose, but the photos are not. Many of the people in them are identifiable and almost certainly didn't consent to being caricatured. For that matter, at least two of the photos (that I've found so far, anyway) are licensed under Creative Commons / No Commercial Use. I'm not sure in what capacity you're blogging for Sloshspot, but it appears to be an official blog of a commercial website. Normally you might be able to get away with something like that, but given the tone of this post (and its sudden popularity) I'd seriously consider taking these photos down until you can obtain permission from the original photographers.
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weaselbringer July 15, 2008 at 1:46amthis is a total rip off of an article from crotchmail.com check the date http://www.crotchmail.com/?p=166
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partydj July 15, 2008 at 2:10amThese got me wondering: "And he can change the channel himself", and "Guy at the jukebox". Don't you guys have DJs over there? You know, like people who are actually employed to put on the right record at the right time. (Or at least they try).
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BruCrew July 15, 2008 at 9:14am@weaselbringer There is nothing used from that article that you posted, and all of our text and photos is completely dfferent... I am sure many other sites have had a similar idea for an article. We havn't even heard of crotchmail before. -
BruCrew July 15, 2008 at 9:31ambtw, all photos are licensed under the creative commons. We are not a commercial blog, we don't do this for any money(as per the lack of any ads, or anywhere on the site for that matter. And our bloggers are unpaid. This post was done for fun by a friend of ours and it is definitely meant to be tongue in cheek, if anyone is seriously offended feel free to email me at: cbrunner@sloshspot.com and I will try to resolve it.
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SFHighlander July 15, 2008 at 12:18pmHaHaHa - I think this is well written and hilarious! I can understand some people getting offended if the "shoe fits a little too well" but as my mother always used to say: "If they can't take a joke, them f*** 'em!" (Note: I'm the guy who's friends with the bartender and have certainly been known to hand out a business card or two (after three of four drinks...))
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minus196 July 15, 2008 at 3:16pmI'm thinking that *Lauren's* the one I don't want to meet at the bar.
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swindonforever July 15, 2008 at 3:21pmthis will be doing the round in offices in no time, its awesome especially number 5, anyone who doesnt find this funny needs to get a sense of humour. kudos to you lauren
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bmurray49 July 15, 2008 at 3:28pmWow, this Whitegold guy is a shithead. I thought this was pretty funny stuff and I think Lauren's a bit of a hottie, myself. Lauren, I noticed that my type wasn't on the list and was wondering if that meant we could hook up. I'm the type that gets wildly drunk and becomes incredibly hostile. After shouting insults at pretty much everyone I usually toss in a few wild punches that often fail to connect. At this point, a few guys usually get together to knock the living shit out of me out back, but it's OK, I always bounce back. I find I really liven up the party when I return, despite the bloody shirt and the cuts on my face. Hey Whitegold - you're an asswipe. Oh, and to you sackless pollyannas: get your own picture licenses, along with a few of my asshairs, you stupid fuckwits.
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livewilder July 15, 2008 at 4:04pmfecking great list but i think you forgot the slutty type, the one and only cockteaser in the bar or the stripper on her day off. Found this hilarious story, check it: http://www.jivelo.com/experience_public_view.php?user_id=2&ex_id=64
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Shaggy13 July 15, 2008 at 9:05pmGood list, I would not mind running into you though.
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kobalt9 July 16, 2008 at 3:11pmLighten up, people. -
quintaplex July 16, 2008 at 6:56pmWhy don't people talk to me at the bar Lauren?
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bmurray49 July 16, 2008 at 10:06pmGawd, I am really drunk out of my mind...Lauren, I think someone just broke my nose but that's OK - I could really use a handjob - can you help me out?
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DCVibe July 18, 2008 at 1:02pmTHE COCK-BLOCKER! You forgot the bitter girl who NO ONE paid attention to the whole nite so instead of uppin' her game, she makes sure that NO other girl in her group WILL have fun. Interesting conversation between you and hottie? COCK-BLOCKER! Engaging story? COCK-BLOCKER! Laughing? COCK-BLOCKER! She is always there, lurking, leering, making sure no one has TOO much fun and then draggin' them "to the bathroom" or "we have to leave" before they do. She can ONLY be defeated by KNOWLEDGABLE WING MAN, who, I swear next time, bro, I'll take the "fat one."
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whereisleif July 18, 2008 at 4:51pmYou are my hero. And yes DCVibe is right- the cock-blocker surely must make it onto next times list- Male and female types. -
dragonfly_heath July 18, 2008 at 8:51pmawesome! so funny & true. if you can't handle the list, then you must be one of these 10 types. love the new word - "douchetastic". -
BottomsUP July 25, 2008 at 9:28pmok, first off I want to say to Lauren, girlfriend it's funny I laughed and I wouldn't pay attn. to the negative bullshit fucking Gaywad (what fucking kind of name is that) and Herring posted. You did good. Now to you others out there that need to take a fucking chill pill and STFU. Relax dude, don't you have a since of humor? It's not like anyone's names are being specified there just pictures. By the way there are millions if not billions of pictures out there being posted without rights and they are worse then what's posted here. The only two pictures that would be considered the worst are the fat chick and dude that wants your friend. What's wrong with the rest? By the way I wouldn't remember any of these people if I were out on the town what makes you think anyone else would. If by chance the dude and fat chick come across their pictures (fat chance)on this site they might even think it's funny. Anyway I just had to register so I give kudos to Lauren and tell the rest of you negative people to go smoke a joint or drink a couple beers and come back when you can fucking laugh. It's negative shit from negative people. RELAX!!!!!!!!!!!!! -
califbob August 2, 2008 at 7:08pmLauren, great article and a fun read. Keep up the great work!
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Sloshspot is a web app designed to work in any city in the world to connect people to their favorite bars, and the other people who enjoy them. Use Sloshspot to check out the nightlife events, drink specials, and other information about bars in your area, or help us out by adding your favorite bar and information about it and you will recieve points which lead to prizes for helping the community grow!
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